Sandstone Press

Fannibaws!

Posted by RLD on 26th April 2010

Since there has been some talk of literary rejection in these blogs of late I thought I would post this Ross County match report from a few years ago. The editor, a kind woman, felt her readership was not quite ready for it. I suspect she was sparing my feelings. The day that Ross County put their ticket allocation for the Scottish Cup Final up for sale seems an appropriate time

Fannibaws!

Wandering beside Dingwall canal, chance had me stumble across shooting practice for the Ross County forwards. The Assistant Manager had the goals up and netted and the keeper between the sticks. One by one the players received the ball from the wee man.

Up steps one of our heroes, not to be named lest the nickname stick.

‘C’mon, Fannibaws,’ shouts our wee prime minister. ‘It’s goals we’re wantin!’ and puts over a cross Joe Jordan couldn’t have reached.

Fortunately one of the canal poplars was close by to support me. When did I come out of active sport? 1983. That’s twenty-two years of political correctness and feminism that have left the training ground untouched. How my heart warmed. There’s hope yet. Civilisation has a chance. Here and there freedom of expression survives in spite of it all. Fannibaws! Pity the poor doctor who runs out to treat a groin strain and discovers this nightmare condition.

Further enamoured of County than ever before I accompanied my friend Jamie to St Johnstone for a rare away day.

The Away crowd is more vocal than the Home but it’s easier to behave like a child in unfamiliar environs, ask any six-year-old. Behind us in the Stand the Replica Shirts raised their voices in ‘Loch Lomond’, a romantic anthem of defeat, anatomical execution (see ‘fannibaws’ above), and the eradication of the Highland culture two before ours. What can you do but join in? Viva the football democracy!

All talk was of team selection. Was our giant goalkeeper McAldon fit again? No. Once again we had to rely on Stuart Garden, who can barely see over the ball. Big Lionel was at full back, thank goodness. Are you a serious 21st Century club without a big, baldy, black Frenchman in the side? No, you are not. He also encourages another 21st Century development, more and more young lassies attending the games. The sky over Vicky Park is as likely to be darkened by flying thongs, these days, as soaring bunnets.

Lauchlan, Cowie and the forgotten MacSwegan were all back from injury but only reached the bench. It must be said that MacS looked dour. Would he ever be given a chance?

Kick-off and SJ went straight into attack. They muffed it and we retaliated. The ball went directly to their penalty area where Big Magic gave us the first fannibaws moment of the game, he fell on it. Fortunately the opposing centre-half also fell. Magic was up first and lashed angrily at the ball with his foot. As chance would have it he was facing in the right direction and the ball went into the net. MacSwegan interrupted his limbering up behind the goal and glowered. The replica shirts went over the heads in collective delirium. No thongs present, alas.

For the next fifteen minutes County took command of the field. Even our skipper Mark MacCulloch looked comfortable in centre midfield. The most popular player at Vicky Park has had our hearts in our mouths this year. Frankly, the midfield has been a problem. Rankin may have been unsettled by talk of a move to the Premier Division. Tiernan, badly treated in the close season, fades early. Mark sits too far back and way too close to the central defence. You just can’t have long discussions about who is going to make the tackle.

For now though, it looked good. McGarry was ubiquitous and easily our best player. Big Magic was doing Mark Viduka impersonations. Canning was, as ever, momentous in defence. And Burke? Burkie was out there somewhere.

Soon though, SJ started to win more than their fair share of possession. Their Portuguese left back took the ball up the left wing unchallenged all too often. In a five minute spell they first struck our bar, then sclaffed it and then, in the least of their moves, an undeserved free kick, threaded the ball through our defence and into the net. A goal lost, and to a right fannibaws move. Aagh!

For about an hour we had to absorb endless pressure from the hard working SJ midfield and their experienced forwards. Mark dropped further back and even closer to the central defence. Confusion danced insanely in front of our goal. Undaunted, Martin Canning reinforced his reputation as best defender in the Division. Sean Webb, a better player since his return from MacDairmid Park, demonstrated the main lesson learned while he was away. The heck with fancy defending! When in doubt whack it out. He boomed the ball high into the Stand from three metres in front of a keeperless goal. Things looked bleak.

Out came our track suited Manager to the edge of the technical area. At Home he sits at the back of the Stand. We all looked around and waved to the cameras. Later his diminutive Assistant appeared, dapper in a suit, and we realised at last we were being short changed of the usual floor show. What was to be done?

The Replica Shirts shouted their opinions. Burke playing off Magic would be better than Magic playing off Burke. Something had to be done about the enemy left back. Persuade Mark further forward. The management team listened attentively, hands cupped behind their ears. Decisions were made.

Off came McGarry, Magic and Burke. On went Winters, Cowie and MacSwegan. All good stuff and welcomed up in the Stand.

McGarry had worked hard enough to spend Saturday night in an iron lung. Magic warmed down in front of the Replica Shirts to appreciative applause. No one was really sure why but we all applauded anyway. Burke off field continued to be as invisible as on.

On field, Cowie was as busy as he had been before his injury and Winters gave us a few glimpses of his lazy skills, but the revelation was the low slung MacSwegan. Moving, as he did, between centre forward and the right wing the enemy left back suddenly found himself with some real defending to do. MacSwegan trapped the ball and held it bringing right back Cowan into attack. All at once the spaces in the enemy defence were exposed and Cowan swelled to fill them as did Rankin. County were not to score again, in spite of these tactical adjustments, but ended the game as they had begun – in command.

Consensus at full time was that we had stolen a draw. Personally I thought it was earned and that the gaps in the side, so cruelly exposed by Ayr United and Hamilton, were being filled and the moving parts fuelled and lubricated. Win the Division? It maybe really could possibly happen.

Here is a prediction. MacSwegan will retain his place and the side will get better as a consequence. Because he can hold the ball he will dictate pace and direction in attack. For the same reason Mark will remain forward to the benefit of both midfield and defence. MacSwegan will score but not as many as McGarry and Big Magic. The point will be what he makes, not what he takes.

We left in two minds - were we gold or were we glaur? - and surprised to find that so many in addition to us had paid the whopping sixteen quid required to get in. Meanwhile a shameless felon slipped out the McDiarmid Park side door. Our diminutive Assistant Manager, no fannibaws he, had the point tucked tightly under his arm and top place assured for another week.